Remediating Loss

A friend, an old high school classmate e-mailed me recently for help in coping with the loss of one of our clasmates. Romeo Ventura died last week after a terrible battle with diabetes which involved amputations and eventually infection and organ failure There have been many such losses in my high school class so far, about 50 out of a class of about 150. We graduated in 1963 from Merchantville High School (gone since about 1965) and had our 60th reunion recently at Maritsa's in Maple Shade. Romeo was there in a wheelchair after his leg amuputation and he was doing well, brave, cheerful and optimistic.

The loss that hurt me the most was my best and oldest friend Christine Borget (Gilbreath) who had been my friend since we were both in junior high school and she was also my role model and the best human being other than my mother that I have ever known. She was a truly good person and brave. She died of gall bladder cancer just a couplo of weeks after we'd had lunch together also at Maritsa's. Maritsa's is in Maple Shade on the main street and centrally located for many of us so it has become our place to meet up. Chris's death was so devastating to me that none of my lifelong tried and true methods for rising up from sorrow were effective and I resorted to cannabis gummies for about two weeks. I can't say if they worked or if I just got over it like an illness.

First, the reason I am writing this blog post is to share my tried and true survival techniques (even though they don't work for everything).

First of all, since my earliest childhood I have had three passions and they have been my life rafts through many disasters of the kind not uncommon in a long life. I began to read at an early age and I have turned to books for diversion and for advice and understanding That has always been my first refuge.

Secondly, it was a natural flow from reading to writing and I keep a daily journal and have since my early twenties and in there I pour out my sorrows, my complaints, my fears and pain and my joys and successes. It is both therapeutic and helps you clarify things. The third diversion is painting because it is such a thorough concentration demanding activity. When you paint, you can't really drift off into a cycle of despair, or at least I can't, I have to keep my eyes on the canvas and what I am doing - focus. I have known of similar activities used by others - my father turned to stained glass and also to doll house making , also activities demanding full concentration so you can't be led astray by unproductive and diminishing thought traps.

When I am so down in the dumps that I can't even do those activities, I have turned to tv series and to audio books, both excellent and requiring little of us. Audio books are also my go to sleep therapy. Of course there have been losses that nothing but time could help to relieve, the loss of my mother and father which will always leave an indelible scar and sore place in my heart. In fact, today I was thinking - what a beautiful day! when I let the dog out and I had a memory of our home on Roland Ave when I was a kid and my mother hanging up the laundry which flapped in the breeze sending off whiffs of laundry soap, and dad working in the vegetable garden on top of the hill behind he house, our dog sniffing around, our cat napping in a sunny patch watching us. It was a puff of sorrow for all this lost world that now exists only in my memory, those real people I loved in all their physical force, vanished forever. But I am leaving now to walk the dog, having resorted to my number two therapy which is writing.

I don't want to forget two other immensely helpful divrsions from depair: DRIVIGNG and WALKING. And most importantly, my pets. My dog and my cats give me daily love and affection and attention and they make me smile. Their furry warmth keeps me warm in winter when they curl up beside me or sit on my lap and my dog makes me walk every day which I might not do without her nudging. I have had animal companions all my life and they were always part of our family and they still are. All my siblings have cats and dogs.

Friendship is another great support. My woman friends and I have lunch on a regular basis - every week or two and we listen and we confer and compare and we advise. Well, that seems like a lot of things to help us get through the hard times. I didn't count, but let me see if I can list: 1.books, 2.writin, 3.painting, 4.driving, 5.walking, 6.tv series, 7.audio books, 8.animal companions, 9.friendship, 10 - I realized I was one shy of an even ten so I though I should add a spiritual connection. At a low period, I went to a Friends Meeting (Quakers) near where I live, and three years later, I have been a member and found a new kind of family. We talk, we worship in silence, and we help one another. Helping others is very important and keeps us from becoming self-centered! And Silent Worship is a form of meditation which I find helpful.

I hope this provides some help and healing to any friends who are seeking such. It helped me! Jo Ann wrightj45@yahoo.com