Marriage and fortitude

This morning I awoke thinking of a friend who is going through a difficult period of many years with her ailing husband. The word that sprang to mind, as often happens to me with situations - I like words and I like finding the one that suits the ocasion: Fortitude! I hae a dozen friends with whom I text, talk or visit on a fairly regular basis. Four of them are married and five are single (divorced) and three are widowed. All of their circumstances are very individual depending on when they got married, how long they were married and which of them is sick and which is the caretaker.

v One thing that they all share is a financial pattern: the arried women have had twice as much financial benefit as the single ones with the exception of one single friend who managed her money well invested, and rose through her career to a higher paying scale.

Of my widowed friends, one was married her whole life and raised three sons who live far away. She has managed very well, partly, I think because she was raised by a single mother who showed her an example of independence and self reliance. Also she was of a practical nature and we shared a grandmother who was widowed early and lived an independent and happy life, though one definitely fraught with financial challenges. Our grandmother never owned her own home until my father bought her a house that she only had for a short period before she had a heart attack and died. An old childhood friend married a much oler man who took care of her like a child. She was of a fragile emotional nature anyhow and had been babied and spoiled as a child, which she would be only to happy to say of herself. When her older husband died, she was incolnsolable and drowning in self-pity because she had no one to take care of her anymore and she did't want to face the demands of ordinary living. She was left with a house and sufficient income, but she didn't want to be stuck 'managing' ordinary things like repairs and car inspection and so on. She was a whiner and a crybaby. Our friendship ended, sadly, over an incident unrelated to that, and also our deeply divided political affiliations. I have a bare acquaintance with another women very similar - just not up to managing her own life on her own and full of self pity.

My single (divorced) friends who spent most of their lives on their own are much more resilient and have much more fotitude, as have I. I do, however, have my youngest sister to help me when I falter and in areas where I simpy am not physically capable of maintaining any more. My other single friends were married and ended up with much more money so they can afford to hire help, and one has since found a very helpful and accomplished boyfriend who does a lot for her.

The friend who has the hardest time, is the one who is caretaker to a slowly declining hisband who has no fortitude. He got weaker and weaker over a period of years and was not inclined to do anything for himself. He had neuropathy in his legs and was in chronic pain and suffered other kinds of debility. She has had to do everything for him, and he is a whiner too. He even has suffered bouts of pain medication addictions. It reminded me of a novel by Edith Wharton, Ethan Frome.

I haven't had to face that kind of challenge, that was a benefit of my free and independent life, and I am not prone to loneliness - I have pets and hobbies and friends, so my life has been FREE and peaceful, full and pleasant. I wonder if I could rise to the occasion. Some people are ennobled by their caretaking sacrifice. I knew a teacher friend who took care of her father in his dwindling health over a period of about 10 years until he died in his 90's. She was devoted and uncompaining I guess it is a lot like the sacrifice of raising a child. You are curtailed necessarily. You have to be home and in attendance to raise a child. You have to be directed toward their well being and happiness often at the sacrifice of your own. I did it, and I can say for myself, that my single, independent life is much more comfortable and pleasurable than either my parenting years or my married years. I am hppiest now. But it may be that I am just that personality - a solitary, independnt. Anyhow that is the way it worked out.

I have seen good marriages, however, and I suppose if you can find and maintain one of those, that would be idea. I wasn't able to do that. I live in what Elizabeth Cady Stanton described in a speech once as "The Splendid Solitude of Self." She was married and have 7 or more children! Whether you are married or single, I hope you have a great Thanksgiving and I hope you are happy! wrightj45@yahoo.com